I remember packing for the hospital with the assumption that I would put on makeup and blow-dry and curl/flat-iron my hair everyday. Yeah, not so much. Instead, I was more swollen in my face, and body then I arrived (remember the picture of me…who knew I would get larger after the baby came out), and my breasts had swollen to larger than my already very large head. An old boyfriend of mind used to say that “I had a pumpkin head sitting on a toothpick”, or something to that effect, apparently from a Seinfeld episode that I never saw. Any who, my head is very big, so for my boobs to be bigger then that, is crazy big! If I didn’t already sell my nursing bra at our latest garage sale (yep, a big-ticket item), I would take a picture for you all to see. Sadly, in the hospital that G-H bra, was too small. I think I began to cry the moment I so proudly put it on. It fit the week before when I bought it at Nordstrom. Apparently, when your milk comes in, it doesn’t just come in, it invades. You are one hot leaky mess. Is this the same for all you “itty-bitty titty’s” out there? The most annoying thing about it all was that I had all this milk, and couldn’t even feed it to my daughter because I had inverted nipples (eventually, we realized I could use a nipple shield). Again, no one really talks about that either. Growing up, I thought I was the lucky one who never had flashing headlights every time it got cold, or while wearing white T-shirts. I didn’t realize that meant my nipples would be challenged. Eventually, after they looked liked hamburger meat, and felt like they were going to fall off, they got pulled-out enough for a good latch, but it did take 5 weeks for this to happen. With my son, it was still a problem. I figured it was “fixed” from my daughter, but it wasn’t. One nipple never fully “came out” enough, and I had to use the nipple shield the whole time I nursed.
As for your good looks, forget about it. I was at the hospital for 4 nights (it was fantastic, we didn’t want to leave) and never once did I put on makeup or even thoroughly brush my hair. I barely even got off the bed, except when I had to use the restroom with the help of my husband or a nurse. I really was stunned. I had this warped image of a thin framed, rouged cheek and lipped, perky boobed women staring back at me in the mirror (thanks to freakishly lucky biotches like my sister). Did anyone else think you could leave the hospital in pre-pregnancy clothes looking amazing (if you could…F you)? I am simply here on this earth to tell you, you will not. You might not be as swollen as myself (c-section deliveries cause you to swell from all the fluids pumped in you), but I can guarantee you will not be taking your announcement photos for at least a couple of weeks. I will say, the second time around with my son, I did try to do my hair and make-up in the hospital, and I think the nurses talked shit about me because of it. Really, just leave your hot-rollers at home, trust me. A wise friend of mine once told me, “all you need to feel beautiful is mascara, concealer, and lip gloss,” which are actually realistic for motherhood.