Day 17: Confession #17 (Out of body Experience)

 Though I have spoke a little about my infamous body, and the glorious skin that now resides on my bones postpartum, I thought I would go into in a little more graphic detail. Afterall, that’s what I do. As I discussed in an earlier post, I gained nearly 50 lbs with my first. According to, The American Pregnancy Association, weight distribution in the average woman should look like this:

  • 7 1/2 pounds is about how much the baby will weigh by the end of pregnancy.
  • 1 1/2 pounds is how much the placenta weighs.
  • 4 pounds is attributed to increased fluid volume.
  • 2 pounds is the weight of the uterus.
  • 2 pounds is the weight of breast tissue.
  • 4 pounds is because of increased blood volume.
  • 7 pounds is attributed to maternal stores of fat, protein and other nutrients.
  • 2 pounds for the amniotic fluid.
  • Total: 30 pounds

I find myself quoting one of my besties, Lauren, quite a bit…l will never forget when her daughter was born, and the nurses called out 5 pounds, 11 ounces, Lauren said, “what about the other 40 pounds.” Clearly, for me, the extra 20 pounds, were caused by the cupcakes (and many other things, I am sure). It is those extra 20 pounds that are the hard ones to come off, that give you the lingering cellulite, the flappy arms…you get the drift. Regardless of how it happened, your left with an almost unrecognizable silhouette, and for us “C” girls, a hideous scar to boot! I know some freakishly lucky biotches shrink down to their pre-prego weight instantly and have no new skin to flap. Well, F you (you know I love you, sister). Most of us, I think are still adjusting to the changes. Obviously, this is probably not something you have never heard, but I am sure, they made it sound easier than it was to shed the extra lbs. They say, it took you 9 months to pack it on, so it will take 9 months to get it off. This was true for me with my first.

I also know for a fact that no one told you about the new “front ass”, or “Fass” as I call it for short, you will have. I know this, because I brilliantly coined the term myself. A “fass” or “frass”, which ever you like better, is that extra skin and fat that sits below your belly button and extends to your landing strip, or b-u-s-h, because I am sure your grooming has changed too. It is what you tuck in to your pants so they will zip. I feel like, your fass will be around for a while. Even now, after being below pre-pregnancy weight (by a pound or two, nothing crazy) I still have one…wtf?  To me, it was worthy of adding to the list of things I wish someone would have told me.

The whisker is another one worthy of a nod. By six months after having my daughter, I inherited a whisker on the bottom on my chinny-chin-chin. Another bestie, Annie, was its discoverer. She thought I would be mortified, and tried to be a discrete as she could when telling me about it (bless her heart)… I just said in my normal to loud voice, “oh, can you get it?”. It is amazing how certain things don’t even phase you anymore after you go through the pregnancy process. I mean after all you had a party in your vagina for the last 9 months. That is how I felt anyway with the amount of people, prods and invitations it received.

Anyway, you will mostly likely never be the same after having a child, with regard to anything. Your body, mind and soul. It is instead, a new and improved you, depending on how you choose to look at it. Embrace your change, and your fass. It’s now trendy!


2 thoughts on “Day 17: Confession #17 (Out of body Experience)

  1. FASS! Omg! I’m so glad you posted this. Haha! Believe it or not I am in the “attempting” phase and am really enjoying the “Real” deal stories. On another note I’m now 41 and would probably freak out if none of this FASS business was revealed.

    1. OMG! This is the best news. I am so hapy for you. You will be an amazing mother…and don’t you worry about madam Zelda, she (the string) has been wrong 10 times already. I am so glad this blog will be useful for you. Good luck!!!!!

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