Day 26: Confession #26 (More Sacrifices)

I hope yesterday’s post left you laughing and alive. I wasn’t kidding about needing you for my ego. I won’t lie, my low “view” days (yes, ‘big-brother’ is always watching) are rough on me. They would drive me to drink, if I still did actually drink, more than once a month. Now, I have never been a one-a-day-er or a glass here and there girl.  I am an “all or nothing” kind of gal.  All being the whole bottle, usually champagne or Vodka, dancing on top of the bar (mostly clothed), saying wildly inappropriate things to the wrong people and not remembering the half of it the next day. Motherhood has caused me to give up this glamorous life style, for more sleep and keeping the half of brain I have left fully intact, so I can be a decent mom. No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent hung over. Man, does it suck! You sure as hell do not get any sympathy from your spouse either…especially when it was mommies night debauchery that made you feel like shit in the first place. Now, if you came home wasted and got all “50 shades” on him (I have included the link for those of you who want to pretend you don’t know what I am talking about), he might be a little more sympathetic towards you the next morning, and will probably encourage, hell maybe even plan, your next girls night out. I am just saying. Bottom line – hangovers suck, and suck even worse, when you have little leaches to take care of who require at least half of a working brain. Well, mine do anyway. Drunken debaucheries, limited. Check.

I have to say, bathroom privacy is definitely one NO ONE talks about or thinks is in danger of being extinct. I used to have a bathroom “wall of shame” in my old apartment (that I shared with my future husband, only “roomy” then) of snapshots of me, and my friends “squatting” in various public places taped to the walls. Clearly, I have never demanded much privacy to begin with in regards to waste evacuation, but I definitely never thought I would one day be blowing-butt on the toilet with a baby sucking on my breast. Yep, shit happens. Now, with a crawling baby, who LOVES the bathroom, and a chatty, follow you around 3 year-old, I have not shit in private for nearly a year. I know it is partly my fault for allowing it, but another thing you will soon learn is that somethings aren’t worth the fight. Choose your battles wisely. For many, this probably would be one the wiser. Me, not so much. Bathroom privacy, gone. Check.

Live television (unless PBS kids or Sprout), gone. Check. Really. Thank god for DVR! Neither of my children have ever seen network television, with the exception of a few important sporting events, and maybe a few glances of project runway as babies (there is no harm in fashion). Again, probably a Davis thing… many children my daughter’s age don’t watch much of anything on the babysitter box (now a days, flat screen). I honestly don’t know how those mothers survive a day without hitting the bottle or the “sauce” as I call it. Nonetheless, I really ‘sanction’ what they do watch. It makes me feel like less of an ass. Let’s not forget people, that most of us were raised on television and we all turned out just fine, right? Whatever your take on television viewing is for your child, I can almost guarantee you, your shows will be airing after they go to bed. You just won’t have the time when they are awake.

If I remember correctly, memory was next on the forego list. I am not sure why mommy amnesia persists beyond the first year. I get why you develop up until then. No one in their right mind would have more children, or s-e-x for that matter, if they remembered everything that first year entails. However, it would sure be nice to regain some of it back by the time you have your next kid. Geez…I can’t remember when my daughter got her first tooth, let alone what I should be feeding what foods, at what time, etc, etc.. Good thing for that baby album that I have {mostly} filled out, and for my friend Nicole‘s logs. Really though, sometimes it is so bad that I put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge…something my grandmother did when displaying early signs of Alzheimer’s dementia (may you rest in peace). Are these my early warning signs? Lord Love a Duck! Btw, this is a great phrase to start adopting into your language repertoire. It was my grandmothers version of WTF! Much more “PC” for the kiddos! You’re welcome.

That reminds me of another thing you loose…the ability to say words out loud. In our house, we not only spell-out taboo words and curse words, we also spell out things like future plans, who we will be seeing, what we are eating, etc. etc. For instance, a typical conversation with my husband once he gets home from work sounds something like this, “Hi, babe, I am about to go insane do you think you could take the kids to the P-A-R-K, so I can put the P-I-Z-Z-A in the oven.” His reply, “Sure, do you think E and J will be there (code for our neighbor kids first names)?…by the way, is it our night for S-E-X?” My response, “Check the calendar!”

One thing I miss most is adult conversation. I am not saying I never have it, but when I do get to engage in those coveted moments, and my children are in tow, I always have one eye, and both ears on my children, instead of the person I am supposed to be conversing with. It is one of those, where you walk away with no recollection of what you just said. Sort of like when you are drunk, the only difference is you are expected to remember this one. Damn…sorry guys.

Spontaneity has never been my strong suit. Have I mentioned I am an anal, high-strung, nut-job, planner who has a hard time dealing with the unknown? Well, there you have it. Now, add  highly scheduled parent and children to the mix and you are left with premeditated everything! Naps, poops, feedings, melt-downs, s-e-x, you name it. I see an S-E-X schedule in your future. Trust me, many refer to me as “Madam Zelda”, so I would get out your clip-boards now. If you are looking for a jazzed up clipboard options, check out the ones I made on Pinterest. Spontaneity, gone. Check. Good thing for clip boards and to-do lists.

Lastly, my sanity. Gone. Check….double check. A song constantly plays in my head that my mom used to sing “They are coming to take you away, ho, ho, he, he to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time…” I would like to point out that she was not singing this to me or about me, I am not sure why she would sing to be honest. Lol…maybe my whole family is insane. Nevermind that my father is a dumpster diver…not out of necessity by the way, by choice. He simply can’t pass up a good deal. Sadly, one reason behind my parents recent divorce. Love them both, but man they couldn’t be more different. Maybe my sanity was doomed from the beginning, but motherhood sure as hell isn’t helping matters. The motherhood component is a hard one to breakdown. Somewhere between the whining, demands, the chaos of daily life schedules, and lack of sleep, your insanity develops. If you’re not there, don’t worry, you will be soon. I will save a spot on the couch for you. To quote a friend who quoted someone else, “Motherhood is the only place you can experience, heaven and hell at the same time.” If that doesn’t sum it all up, by golly I don’t know what will.


8 thoughts on “Day 26: Confession #26 (More Sacrifices)

  1. My mom used to sing that same song… I honestly think it’s because moms do go crazy and they don’t start leveling off until their children are married. My mom is still neurotic about me at 41! LOL!

  2. Lord love of duck!… That’s awesome. And the s-e-x reminder on the calender. Love it! Thank you!:)

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