Day 27: Confession #27 (Journal)

Today, I will be sharing a page out of my personal journal…

April 28, 2011

I have always wanted to journal religiously, but it took me until now, a state of mental breakdown, to begin. Motherhood is truly a life changing event, that I feel, is very different for everyone. In my case, it has left me with the challenge of self-identity. Before having Elle, I was a wife, and a dang good one, if I may add. Now, I am a mom who happens to be married. I love my husband, and my daughter, but I struggle with myself. I guess I mean with balance and self-esteem. I feel like I am a great mom and a selfless mom. However, In being that, I think I have become a selfish wife. I have let Brandon take the grunt of my stress and have taken all things sexual away from him. My self-esteem, or self-image plays a big part. I want to feel “hot” again. More so, I want to look it too. Eating right and working out have never been a strong suit for me, but it is a suit I have worn from time to time. I just need to do something about and shut up. But what? How can I balance time with my family and time for me? What is truly important to me?

-accomplishment
-communication
-friendship
-passion
-family
-health
-love
-quality time
-mental health
-beauty
______________________________________

A confession cannot get any more personal than this. When I cam across this, I just knew I needed to share it. I did not change any words, add new ones, or leave anything out (though, I probably should have). This is how I was feeling. Ironically, this was my only journal entry. These raw, real feelings are why I wanted to write this blog and hopefully one day publish a New York Times Bestseller based on this premise.

I think what I was feeling was a “loss of self.” I would be very shocked to hear that any new mother has not felt this one time or another. This role shift is incredibly difficult to manage. How do you do it all? Be the loving supportive wife, best friend, good listener, ideal mother, career woman, and take care of your self? Well, a year and a half later, I still don’t know. I think we will spend our whole lives learning, as we should. The problem lies with finding a balance that makes YOU happy, and your family cared for. I have always struggled with self-esteem and probably always will. It is hard to change years of damage no matter how many times you visit the bearded man with the couch. I have learned, how to channel it in a more healthy way. I have to say that for me, being pregnant was amazing for my self-esteem (contrary to most, I am sure). I felt more beautiful pregnant than I ever have in my pre and post partum life. There is something about “not having to suck in” that makes everything else more care free. Clearly, I am a nut-job, but this we know. It is important for you, and me, to find the things that make you feel good about yourself. You simply can’t effectively take care of others if you yourself need mending. Speaking of mending, I really want to learn to sew. If I were writing that journal entry today, I might have put that on my list of things that are important to me. Pinterest has allowed me to channel my desire for accomplishment in a fun and creative way. Slowly, but surely, I am making things happen for me. I suggest you never let yourself get so lost in the first place.

Start journaling…it is so therapeutic. essentially, what this blog is for me…THERAPY!

Happy Saturday!