Day 31: Confession #31 (It’s All Relative)

Wow, I can’t believe it…the last day of my 31-day blog challenge. This is not the end of my blogging, by any means, but the end to daily deadlines (thank, god!). I can’t help but hum the lyrics to one of my favorite Doors songs right now…”This is the end, beautiful friend, this is the end, my only friend, the end …” But really, friends, it is only the beginning. I really hope to carry out the branding of “Magazine Mom”, and one day turn my confessions into a New York Times Bestseller. Meanwhile, I plan to entertain and enlighten folks along the way. Hopefully, I already have. In true me fashion, I thought I would conclude (lord knows I love conclusions) with a recap of my confession isms. Some new, some old, and some too bold.

Here you have it, the “things I wish someone had told me about pregnancy and motherhood” and other things that just might happen to you…

  • “trying” really isn’t all that fun unless robots are your thing
  • the clear slimy egg-white like stuff lurking in your underwear means it is “go time”
  • that being pregnant means you will inevitably have a party in your vagina
  • you will get probed with a condom-like wearing ultrasound wand
  • people will open doors for you while you are pregnant, but once you are pushing a stroller, they will slam the door in your face
  • it is really nice to not have to “suck in”
  • stretch marks can happen at ANY time up until you’ve delivered your placenta 
  • eating a cupcake or two a-day, is not a good idea
  • S-E-X is kind of scary while carrying a fetus…spotting, brain damage, the sheer glance of your naked self in precarious positions
  • whatever you think you know, you have no idea!
  • C-sections are not just for Hollywood royalty
  • you will be interrogated at the hospital like a suspect on Law & Order SVU
  • you will be crucified, sliced open by burning flesh, and your organs will sitting on a silver tray
  • leave your hot-rollers at home along with your pre-pregnancy clothes
  • you will bleed, lots, and wear thick-ass “I can almost see the bulge through your pants” pads for weeks after your bambino has arrived
  • your worst hangover has nothing on the exhaustion you will feel
  • sleep, what’s that?
  • s-e-x, what’s that…oh, right? The reason I feel and look like this. Chastity belt anyone?
  • the doctor might sever a nerve and you will lose feeling in your vagina
  • don’t stick a baby on board sign on your car, well unless you plan on having those stick figure family stickers on your rear window too.
  • you will grow hair in strange places
  • ignore all “freakishly lucky biotches”
  • old people will call your baby the opposite gender no mater how gender specific you have them dressed…the pink hair bow with gigantic pink rhinestone flower, won’t even help. 
  • not all nipples are suckable
  • your boobs will be larger than your already very large head
  • milk doesn’t just come in, it invades
  • breastfeeding is hard
  • you might not experience love at first sight
  • you will never be more selfless
  • never, say never…
  • you might feel a “loss of self”
  • so many mothers are experiencing everything you are, they just don’t talk about it
  • your car will look like a snack shack exploded
  • some babies don’t sleep in the car
  • you will never feel more judged or do more judging
  • you will not watch live tv (unless it is PBS, PBS Sprout, Nick Jr., Disney or Disney Jr.)
  • you will be mortified by your childs behavior, often
  • not to eat broccoli while breastfeeding, unless you want explosive, projectile poop to exit your babies butt
  • cherish bathroom privacy
  • everything you said you wouldn’t do, you will
  • neurosis increases when a video monitor is near
  • watching Criminal Minds, will never be the same
  • how much guilt you will feel (even driving through those iconic “golden arches” will set you back psychologically)
  • tantrums are not just throwing toys or banging something on the ground – they can be crazy demonic outburst like a scene from the Exorcist
  • you might feel murderous rage towards your child and it’s okay
  • Target, is actually the happiest place on earth
  • don’t be so hard on yourself
  • new mom support groups is where you, and your child, will find their friends   
  • your babies daddy might need longer to connect
  • lower your expectations
  • you will compete with every child and mother you come in contact with
  • you will always do more than you partner
  • having two kids is REALLY hard (especially those first 4 months)
  • you will cry more after having a baby
  • you can’t be great at everything, but you can be excellent at some
  • drinking at playdates will be the best thing that has happened to you, that day anyway
  • you might cry more than your child when they get hurt
  • hangovers really suck as parents
  • spontaneity is a thing of the past
  • you will rarely have all rooms in your house clean at the same time
  • motherhood is the only place you can experience, heaven and hell at the same time
  • adult conversation will never be the same
  • spelling things, and texting things will become your primary mode of communication
  • you will forget everything…wait, what was I saying?
  • the funny farm may very well be in your near future
  • you create new standards for yourself
  • you will now understand what your parents sacrificed for you, and you will love them even more for it

Clearly, I could probably go on for 31 more days…but you get the idea. Becoming a parent, is life changing, eye-opening, self-evaluating, mind-bending stuff! Just know, what is relevant one day, is not the next, you are not alone, that skinny bitch next to you might have worst stretch marks than you, and don’t you worry, the new you, looks good on you! As long as you are doing the best you can, with what you’ve got, stop being so hard on yourself! Afterall, there are plenty other people judging you.

I leave you all, for now, with a plea. Next time you are conversing with another mother, or an expecting one, tell them something you wish someone told you. If not from my list, one of yours. We can all use a little realness from time to time, right? Remember, “I keep it real”…and it works for me. I only mildly offend in the process.

Magazine Mom


4 thoughts on “Day 31: Confession #31 (It’s All Relative)

  1. Reminded me of that poem Tina Fey wrote about her daughter — “And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

    “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation. . .”

    Kind of makes me want to cry! I guess you nailed that one, too — I do cry more now 😉

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