he cried, she cried, I cried.

I am not sure if it because I have had a {body} cold for the last week which has left me completely run down and deflated like the worn out bean bag in my daughter’s room, but this week, has been one of THE most challenging “parenting” weeks, I have had in a long time.

It is no secret, that there have been many days where I spent time looking for the nearest fire station to drop off my son {not seriously}. But today, I wished I could drop myself off at the fire station instead. Especially, if it was the hunky Hayward Fire Department (wink, wink).

No, really.

I just want to disappear. Not for long – maybe for a day, or week or two, but away. Away from the crying, the whining, the demands, the chaos.

Time to myself.

Quiet.

Today, my son spent half the day crying, and the other half throwing himself to floor crying in frustration. In his defense, life sucks for him. Between not being able to eat anything (other than his twelve safe foods), or adequately communicating his needs (because he is not even two and barely has any understandable words)…I would probably be pretty pissed off too.

My daughter on the other hand, has been doing her best to break me down. I don’t think willingly, but her badgering and relentless asking for everything and anything, are working marvelously at it.

Tonight, I cracked. Snapped, really.  I have a temper, which I have never denied. I actually enrolled myself in anger management in my teens to learn how to manage it. Clearly, it didn’t really help. I am ashamed of it, but I have to talk about it, or else it seems that much worse if I hide it.

The worst part, is I am just passing it {anger} on down to my children, like it was passed down to me.

Tonight after feeling completely depleted, drained and just darn right ‘done’ I reached my breaking point. I yelled at my crying, daughter as she told me I was the “worst mean mommy” ever! She then went into her room, slammed the door, and slammed her check on the corner of her dresser. I heard her cry of hurt, not anger, so I went to her aid. Sure enough, under her right eye, now lies a purple, raised scratch, which I am hoping doesn’t turn into a black eye. Not only because I am fearful of the CPS knock on the door (she has been getting herself hurt a lot lately), but we are taking our Christmas family photos this weekend. Tis my life.

After I realized she was fine, and went in the hallway where my hubby was, and I just broke down crying. I don’t want to be “mean mommy,” I told him. “I don’t want to be this angry and yell at my children, but I feel beaten down. I need a break.”

I am really hoping it is because of this cold, that I feel so drained. It doesn’t take away the fact that being a stay at home mom is hard. Heck, being any kind of parent or mom is hard!

I have never let my daughter see me cry before. I am not really sure why, but tonight I did. I went in her room and asked her if she could see my crying. She said, yes. I told her “I don’t want to be mean mommy, but her badgering and hurtful words really got to me.” By the expression on her face, I think, (hope), she understood. For a moment, everything seemed better. Quiet.

Afterward, she wanted me to read her bedtime book, and she cuddled me while I read it.

I do love my job…don’t I? There are ups and downs. There is the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the horrid, like today, but in the end, I love my children. I love my family.

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Sometimes, I just need to love myself.

Sometimes, my anger proves that difficult.

Desperately hoping I am not alone,
-Magazine Mom

Xoxo

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10 thoughts on “he cried, she cried, I cried.

  1. (Crying now) you are not alone my friend. You are an amazing mama! We do the hardest job on the planet (24/7) without real vacations, we all deserve and need to break down from time to time. Love ya!

  2. You are not alone…it would be a rare and dishonest parent who says they do not get angry or feel badly about verbally lashing out at their children in frustration. Most importantly, you modeled a constructive and honest way of dealing with it. You are a great mom!

  3. You are absolutely not alone! You are an amazing mom who is HUMAN and you showed your daughter that it’s ok for mommy to cry sometimes too. Keep being the fabulous mommy that you are to your two beautiful kiddos!

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