I am Beautiful

beautiful

In the past few months, on two separate occasions (at yoga and last night), I was asked to say those 3 words about myself. I had no idea the tearful emotions it would trigger. To me, “I am beautiful” is not only about the face I was given, or the body I wear, but the person I am.

When receiving a Facebook challenge to choose 5 pictures of me when I “feel beautiful” I had no problem. I even searched through my albums with a smile on my face thinking of the moments and proud of the beauty I embrace.
5 pics

So why is a simple request to say out loud, “I am beautiful” so emotionally challenging?

Until last night, I had no idea. Now, the ugly truth has reared its ‘angry’ head.

Literally.

When my ‘non-sex surrogate husband’ (my hubby’s best friend and my dear friend) and I were in in the midst of our deep thought overanalyzing “therapy session tipsy talk” sitting on the kitchen counter at 1:30 in the morning, he asked me to say “I, Ashley, am beautiful” aloud.

Instead of uttering the statement, I started to tear.
Uncomfortably turned my face, and said…

Me: “No. I don’t want to say that!”
Nssh: Why not? You are beautiful inside and out. You know that right?
Me: I don’t believe I am.
Nssh: Why?
Me: I am too angry to be beautiful (insert ugly face cry here)

Wow. It was one of the most profound moments I have ever had in my life.

I have become a very angered mother over the years, and in my eyes, a not-so beautiful person.

I know I have mentioned I have always struggled with anger issues since childhood, but I didn’t realize how much it effected the way it made me feel about myself as a whole. Until this aha moment.

My daughter has not made parenting easy, and her anger bursts and rude behaviors have wittled away at my self-esteem.  I take my job as a stay-at-home mom very seriously. When my children act out or misbehave, I find it nearly impossible to not see it as a ‘job fail.’ After all, if I were at a ‘real job’ and had been working on a development project for years and it crashed and burned in its real world application, that would be a ‘job fail.’ All you feel-gooders and optismistics out there are probably saying, “No. Its just part of the learning process. You just dust yourself off, and try again!”

Bull-$h!t. It still sucks. You still feel like a failure even for a moment, a week, or year. If you do not, I want what your having for my next tipsy talk therapy session.

For real.

In all seriousness, it is a hard thing to admit, let alone talk about or write about for anyone on the information superhighway to read. But that is what I do. I say the things that people think, but NO ONE wants to say.

I am sad at the person I have become because of motherhood.
I am angry that I have a temper and use it almost everyday at my child’s expense.
I am angry that I let it effect my self-worth.
I am angry that I allow them to have that power.
I am angry that my daughter is angry.
I am angry that I feel like a failure.
I am sad that I am even saying this.
I am angry that I am angry.
I am angry that I equate beauty to be perfection.
I am beautiful.
I am beautiful.
I am more than what I believe I am.
I am beautiful.

We all are, right?
We just have to believe it to be true.

I am not there yet, but I am empowered to be. I want to be. For that, I am grateful.

Xoxo,
Magazine Mom

 

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8 thoughts on “I am Beautiful

  1. Is it OK for Grandpas to cry too? I’m amazed at how you drive to the crux of an issue. Yes, parenting is SO very hard. And yes, it makes every parent feel angry and ugly. But, by exposing our weaknesses, parenting brings out the best in us. It certainly is doing so for you!

    1. Yes! Thanks for the new word of the week too, “crux!” I just looked it up, and will make sure it gets added to our lexicon 🙂 I appreciate your words and support. Truly.

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