In the past few months, on two separate occasions (at yoga and last night), I was asked to say those 3 words about myself. I had no idea the tearful emotions it would trigger. To me, “I am beautiful” is not only about the face I was given, or the body I wear, but the person I am.
When receiving a Facebook challenge to choose 5 pictures of me when I “feel beautiful” I had no problem. I even searched through my albums with a smile on my face thinking of the moments and proud of the beauty I embrace.
So why is a simple request to say out loud, “I am beautiful” so emotionally challenging?
Until last night, I had no idea. Now, the ugly truth has reared its ‘angry’ head.
When my ‘non-sex surrogate husband’ (my hubby’s best friend and my dear friend) and I were in in the midst of our deep thought overanalyzing “therapy session tipsy talk” sitting on the kitchen counter at 1:30 in the morning, he asked me to say “I, Ashley, am beautiful” aloud.
Instead of uttering the statement, I started to tear.
Uncomfortably turned my face, and said…
Me: “No. I don’t want to say that!”
Nssh: Why not? You are beautiful inside and out. You know that right?
Me: I don’t believe I am.
Me: I am too angry to be beautiful (insert ugly face cry here)
Wow. It was one of the most profound moments I have ever had in my life.
I have become a very angered mother over the years, and in my eyes, a not-so beautiful person.
I know I have mentioned I have always struggled with anger issues since childhood, but I didn’t realize how much it effected the way it made me feel about myself as a whole. Until this aha moment.
My daughter has not made parenting easy, and her anger bursts and rude behaviors have wittled away at my self-esteem. I take my job as a stay-at-home mom very seriously. When my children act out or misbehave, I find it nearly impossible to not see it as a ‘job fail.’ After all, if I were at a ‘real job’ and had been working on a development project for years and it crashed and burned in its real world application, that would be a ‘job fail.’ All you feel-gooders and optismistics out there are probably saying, “No. Its just part of the learning process. You just dust yourself off, and try again!”
Bull-$h!t. It still sucks. You still feel like a failure even for a moment, a week, or year. If you do not, I want what your having for my next tipsy talk therapy session.
In all seriousness, it is a hard thing to admit, let alone talk about or write about for anyone on the information superhighway to read. But that is what I do. I say the things that people think, but NO ONE wants to say.
I am sad at the person I have become because of motherhood.
I am angry that I have a temper and use it almost everyday at my child’s expense.
I am angry that I let it effect my self-worth.
I am angry that I allow them to have that power.
I am angry that my daughter is angry.
I am angry that I feel like a failure.
I am sad that I am even saying this.
I am angry that I am angry.
I am angry that I equate beauty to be perfection.
I am beautiful.
I am beautiful.
I am more than what I believe I am.
I am beautiful.
We all are, right?
We just have to believe it to be true.
I am not there yet, but I am empowered to be. I want to be. For that, I am grateful.