I am Beautiful

beautiful

In the past few months, on two separate occasions (at yoga and last night), I was asked to say those 3 words about myself. I had no idea the tearful emotions it would trigger. To me, “I am beautiful” is not only about the face I was given, or the body I wear, but the person I am.

When receiving a Facebook challenge to choose 5 pictures of me when I “feel beautiful” I had no problem. I even searched through my albums with a smile on my face thinking of the moments and proud of the beauty I embrace.
5 pics

So why is a simple request to say out loud, “I am beautiful” so emotionally challenging?

Until last night, I had no idea. Now, the ugly truth has reared its ‘angry’ head.

Literally.

When my ‘non-sex surrogate husband’ (my hubby’s best friend and my dear friend) and I were in in the midst of our deep thought overanalyzing “therapy session tipsy talk” sitting on the kitchen counter at 1:30 in the morning, he asked me to say “I, Ashley, am beautiful” aloud.

Instead of uttering the statement, I started to tear.
Uncomfortably turned my face, and said…

Me: “No. I don’t want to say that!”
Nssh: Why not? You are beautiful inside and out. You know that right?
Me: I don’t believe I am.
Nssh: Why?
Me: I am too angry to be beautiful (insert ugly face cry here)

Wow. It was one of the most profound moments I have ever had in my life.

I have become a very angered mother over the years, and in my eyes, a not-so beautiful person.

I know I have mentioned I have always struggled with anger issues since childhood, but I didn’t realize how much it effected the way it made me feel about myself as a whole. Until this aha moment.

My daughter has not made parenting easy, and her anger bursts and rude behaviors have wittled away at my self-esteem.  I take my job as a stay-at-home mom very seriously. When my children act out or misbehave, I find it nearly impossible to not see it as a ‘job fail.’ After all, if I were at a ‘real job’ and had been working on a development project for years and it crashed and burned in its real world application, that would be a ‘job fail.’ All you feel-gooders and optismistics out there are probably saying, “No. Its just part of the learning process. You just dust yourself off, and try again!”

Bull-$h!t. It still sucks. You still feel like a failure even for a moment, a week, or year. If you do not, I want what your having for my next tipsy talk therapy session.

For real.

In all seriousness, it is a hard thing to admit, let alone talk about or write about for anyone on the information superhighway to read. But that is what I do. I say the things that people think, but NO ONE wants to say.

I am sad at the person I have become because of motherhood.
I am angry that I have a temper and use it almost everyday at my child’s expense.
I am angry that I let it effect my self-worth.
I am angry that I allow them to have that power.
I am angry that my daughter is angry.
I am angry that I feel like a failure.
I am sad that I am even saying this.
I am angry that I am angry.
I am angry that I equate beauty to be perfection.
I am beautiful.
I am beautiful.
I am more than what I believe I am.
I am beautiful.

We all are, right?
We just have to believe it to be true.

I am not there yet, but I am empowered to be. I want to be. For that, I am grateful.

Xoxo,
Magazine Mom

 

he cried, she cried, I cried.

I am not sure if it because I have had a {body} cold for the last week which has left me completely run down and deflated like the worn out bean bag in my daughter’s room, but this week, has been one of THE most challenging “parenting” weeks, I have had in a long time.

It is no secret, that there have been many days where I spent time looking for the nearest fire station to drop off my son {not seriously}. But today, I wished I could drop myself off at the fire station instead. Especially, if it was the hunky Hayward Fire Department (wink, wink).

No, really.

I just want to disappear. Not for long – maybe for a day, or week or two, but away. Away from the crying, the whining, the demands, the chaos.

Time to myself.

Quiet.

Today, my son spent half the day crying, and the other half throwing himself to floor crying in frustration. In his defense, life sucks for him. Between not being able to eat anything (other than his twelve safe foods), or adequately communicating his needs (because he is not even two and barely has any understandable words)…I would probably be pretty pissed off too.

My daughter on the other hand, has been doing her best to break me down. I don’t think willingly, but her badgering and relentless asking for everything and anything, are working marvelously at it.

Tonight, I cracked. Snapped, really.  I have a temper, which I have never denied. I actually enrolled myself in anger management in my teens to learn how to manage it. Clearly, it didn’t really help. I am ashamed of it, but I have to talk about it, or else it seems that much worse if I hide it.

The worst part, is I am just passing it {anger} on down to my children, like it was passed down to me.

Tonight after feeling completely depleted, drained and just darn right ‘done’ I reached my breaking point. I yelled at my crying, daughter as she told me I was the “worst mean mommy” ever! She then went into her room, slammed the door, and slammed her check on the corner of her dresser. I heard her cry of hurt, not anger, so I went to her aid. Sure enough, under her right eye, now lies a purple, raised scratch, which I am hoping doesn’t turn into a black eye. Not only because I am fearful of the CPS knock on the door (she has been getting herself hurt a lot lately), but we are taking our Christmas family photos this weekend. Tis my life.

After I realized she was fine, and went in the hallway where my hubby was, and I just broke down crying. I don’t want to be “mean mommy,” I told him. “I don’t want to be this angry and yell at my children, but I feel beaten down. I need a break.”

I am really hoping it is because of this cold, that I feel so drained. It doesn’t take away the fact that being a stay at home mom is hard. Heck, being any kind of parent or mom is hard!

I have never let my daughter see me cry before. I am not really sure why, but tonight I did. I went in her room and asked her if she could see my crying. She said, yes. I told her “I don’t want to be mean mommy, but her badgering and hurtful words really got to me.” By the expression on her face, I think, (hope), she understood. For a moment, everything seemed better. Quiet.

Afterward, she wanted me to read her bedtime book, and she cuddled me while I read it.

I do love my job…don’t I? There are ups and downs. There is the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the horrid, like today, but in the end, I love my children. I love my family.

IMAG28071

Sometimes, I just need to love myself.

Sometimes, my anger proves that difficult.

Desperately hoping I am not alone,
-Magazine Mom

Xoxo